Ice Quake

"Nature unleashed"

I have no idea if this tagline is official, but it's bad enough to be.

The movie takes place in Alaska, where a bunch of geologists discover unusal tremors in the ground. Tremors caused by liquid methane trying to escape and kill everyone.

I actually had to do some research here to figure out how plausible this is. Why methane?
Apparently methane is pretty damn common in the earth (according to Wikipeda, "It is the major component of natural gas, about 87% by volume"), so I guess that's actually pretty plausable. If gases ever set out to kill people, methane would probably be the first one out to get you.

Since liquid methane is pretty damn cold when frozen (somewhere between -182 and -164 real degrees), everything that gets touched by the gas liquid gas is instantly frozen.
Yeah, that doesn't really make sense, but who am I to judge. Sure, I probably did more research to write this review than the whole crew did to make the movie, but whatever.

If the gas would escape, which it for some reason doesn't do through all the cracks it's already caused, everything would apparently die. The whole earth would just freeze in an instant. People, you'd better be fucking afraid of methane!
To remedy the situation, a family that happens to be in the area sets out to fight the methane, because that's just how you fix situations where all life on earth is threatened. The husband in the family is a geologist, so I guess that makes sense. Also, there's a dog.
The solution is so obvious that I'm almost embarrased to write it down: they have to blow up the gas.
And make sure the dog survives.

The effects aren't really that terrible, and to be honest, neither is the acting. It's no What's Eating Gilbert Grape (true story: I just now found out that movie isn't just called "Gilbert Grape"), but it's a far cry from the likes of Alien Origin. SyFy sort of managed to save face on this one.
Don't get me wrong, it's a horrible movie, but it's not that bad. With a few friends, a bag of chips and a bottle of coke (or beer or whatever you normal people drink) it's pretty enjoyable.

IMDb
Trailer

Death Racers

"It's not about the speed...it's about the blood!"

There are few things I find more entertaining than mockbusters and Insane Clown Posse. I mean, seriously, how do fucking magnets work?

When I heard about Death Racers, it felt like christmas, only a lot better, since I don't really care about christmas. Death Racers is an Asylum production featuring Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of ICP fame (honestly, they're actually famous). This should logically be the best movie ever made.

The cover states that the movie is "uncut, uncensored, unbelievable". I concur with this statement. It's absolutely unbelievable how this movie can be so awful.

Insane Clown Posse has a strangely enormous following. They even have their own festival. Their festival even has infomercials!

Little known fact: one of my biggest dreams is to attend Gathering of the Juggalos (and survive the experience). I mean, they have dwarves. And guys on stilts.

Anyway, seeing as how this band obviously has more money than they can spend, it's interesting to see that this movie seems to have the lowest budget of any Asylum movie ever made, except for maybe Transmorphers.

The story is what you'd expect, it's some sort of dystopian future and people race and kill each other. Whatever.

ICP runs around and acts like idiots. That's pretty much what this movie is. All the actors are absolutely terrible, in a bad way, the effects are atrocious, the production is among the worst I have ever seen in any movie, and it's simply not funny in any way shape or form.

I don't really know what else there is to say about Death Racers. It's simply awful. Don't watch it. It will make you lose all respect for ICP (heh, see what I did there?).

IMDb

Trailer

Oh god. I watched ~5 seconds of the trailer to make sure it's for the right movie. I feel sick.

Sharktopus

"Half-shark, half-octopus, all killer." 

I think the cover image is fan art and thus not official, but whatever, it's pretty damn awesome.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is, admittedly, a pretty great movie. However, it's a bit redundant to have two monsters in a monster movie. Star Entertainment realized this and figured the could one-up the Asylum production, simply by taking the same two monster sized animals and combining them into one. And thus, the Sharktopus was born.

This is actually a pretty good movie all things considered. The budget feels about a hundred times higher than the regular SyFy or The Asylum production, which means it probably cost about a thousand dollars to make.

Sharktopus is, like most creatures in monster movies, an experiment by mad scientists gone wrong. A shark and an octopus has been combined (for some reason, both parts are a lot bigger than the animals normally are) by the military to create the ultimate weapon or whatever. Seems pretty useless, but whatever.

The Sharktopus has a remote control device with which the military can decide who the creature should kill. In an expected turn of events, the device breaks during a demonstration of the weapon, and the creature is free to roam the seas. Also, it's free to roam the beaches, because this movie would suck if it couldn't walk on land. Which, of course, it can. Fuck yeah.

So anyway, the Sharktopus proceeds to kill people and a reporting team (why are there always reporters in these movies?) together with some other people I can't be bothered to remember set out to kill it before it eats everyone.

There are a lot of good special effects scenes that will have you figuratively rofling, and the actors are pretty much what you'd expect (so yeah, they're about as good as Steven Seagal). All in all, an entertaining movie.

The best thing is probably the almost mainstream success the movie for some reason managed to receive, which spawned some great things, like this absolutely amazing plushie, made by "a friend of someone that works at the network" (at least I tried to give credits..):

IMDb

Trailer (Don't miss out on the song!)